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Duke Nukem and Hulk Hogan's Fantastic Adventure 6
The Story It was a sunny day in Duke City. But Duke and Hulk and Soulja Boy and Brook and the Sci-Fi Brothers wouldn't be in Duke City for long. They were tired of all these people trying to kill them, so they were taking a well-deserved trip to Canada. So, they all headed for the Duke Mobile, and argued over who would get to ride shotgun. Soulja Boy exclaimed "Yo yo, I get to ride shotgun, I'm da one WIT' da shotgun!!" and pulled out a shotgun from his pocket. Soulja Boy got his way, and so the road trip began. As they pulled onto the highway, Hulk said "Hey guys, would you like me to microwave some of these Hulkster Burgers? They're delicious!" But the gang all cringed. "Uh, I'm sorry buddy, but your Hulkster Burgers are terrible," said Duke. "WHAT?! HAVE YOU EVEN TRIED THEM?!" yelled Hulk angrily. "No, but I've seen Mike Mozart's review of them," said Duke. "GRRRRRR!!! THAT BALD FUCK'S JUST TRYING TO MAKE ME LOOK BAD. PLEASE BROTHER, YOU'VE GOT TO BELIEVE ME!!" yelled Hulk again. "Okay okay, calm down Hulk. Alright, we'll try them," said Duke. So they all tried them. And Hulk wasn't lying, they were delicious! Not as good as Burger King's burgers, though. But anyway, after that, their journey continued. They were starting to get bored and everybody grew silent, observing the scenery as it all passed by. Eventually, they started to smell something very foul. They looked around and realized, there was a fire in the city in the not-too-far distance! They saw a sign that said "THIS EXIT TO PHILADELPHIA." "Oh, no!" said Duke. "What's on fire in Philly? And why does it smell so bad?" Soulja Boy was particularly distraught. "I'VE GOT NIGGAS IN PHILLY, YO! WE GOTTA SEE WHAT'S GOING ON!" So they decided to take a detour without even thinking about it. When they got there, crowds and crowds of people were screaming, yelling and running away. A woman ran past Duke. "Hey, what's going on?!" yelled Duke. The woman ignored him and continued to run and scream. Duke became annoyed. Another woman ran by Duke, and he asked the same thing as before. This woman ignored him as well, but this angered Duke so he ran back and grabbed her by her collar and punched her motherfucking face in. "BITCH, YOU WILL TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON." So the woman, all bloody, said "Ggguhghuh... Ch-Ch-Ch...Chink's is on fire!!" and then passed out. "Yo ho ho... Asian people on fire? I don't understand!" said Brook. "No no, I think she meant that a restaurant called Chink's was on fire," said Sci-Fi. "Psshaw, who would name a restaurant 'Chink's?' That's ludicrous!" said Duke. But then a fat nigger ran by, saying "OMG!! CHINK'S THE CHEESESTEAK PLACE IS ON FAHR!!!1" So, they tried to locate this so called "Chink's" restaurant. "I have an idea! Let's follow the smell! But you guys will have to do it, as I don't have a nose! Yo ho ho ho!!" said Brook. They quickly ran towards the direction of the source of the smell. Upload pissed himself. It took them some time to get there because the whole city of Philadelphia was running away from the burning restaurant and they had to fight crowds and crowds of people. So then they finally located the building. There was a little chink standing outside, flailing his arms about. "HELP!! MY PRECIOUS RESTAURANT!!!!!!!" he yelled. Duke knew exactly what to do. He focused all of his energy and was able to transform into Tall Hair Duke. Then, he lowered his now tall hair onto the flames, and Chink's was saved! But now Duke's hair was on fire! The gang couldn't find any water, and Duke's hair was completely burned off. "Hey, you kinda look like me now!" said stupid McBaldy. "Blargh... Oh well. It'll probably grow back by the time we get to Canada," said Duke. Then, the little chink noticed he was on fire, too!!! And the surrounding grass was completely in flames! As Tall Hair Duke was now No Hair Duke, there was nothing he could do. But luckily, Shou Amabane, number 7 of the Burning Ranger team, arrived! He shot his laser fire-destroying gun at the little chink, and it put the fire right out. "Don't worry, I'm here to save you!!!" Shou shouted in an enthusiastic voice. He then starting a-chargin' his lazer, and fired out a giant shot that blew up the fire on part of the grass. He repeated this, and everything was put out! Then, the little chink was like "Zank you all for saving my restaurant. Allow me to give you zum cheeztekz for ze road," said the little chink. He gave the gang a big greasy bag of cheesesteaks and shit. They approached the Duke Mobile while the entire city of Philadelphia broke out into applause. Upload pissed himself yet again. They waved to the crowd and then got back in. Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention who was driving the Duke Mobile. It was Duke's dog, Dukey. For a dog, he's very smart. Sorry I didn't mention that earlier. How did I ever get this job narrating? But anyway, they continued on their way to Canada, eating the delicious cheesesteaks from Chink's, and they saw a sign that said "CANADA, 5 MILES". The gang rejoiced, but then McBaldy, in an unusual show of intelligence, brought up a very good point. "Don't we all need passports or something to get into Canada?" "FUUUUUUUUUUCK," everyone shouted. But then Hulk exclaimed "I have an idea!" So, the gang pulled up to the border. Some Canadian bitch was there and she knocked on the window. "I will need to see your passports or something to let you in here!" she said. Then, the Duke Mobile's sunroof opened and a cardboard cut-out of Alex Trebek popped out. "It is I, Alex Trebek. I am Canadian," said Hulk in a phony voice. "Oh yeah, I've seen you on TV before. You may enter!" the Canadian bitch said. So they drove through. Strangely, they didn't see any buildings anywhere, but they didn't think anything of it. "Haha, wasn't that great, brothers?" said Hulk. "Nah man. Your Alex Trebek impression was terrible," said Soulja Boy. "I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU DO A BETTER ONE," said Hulk. Then, they kept driving. The roads quickly became icy because it is very cold in Canada, because it is located at the north pole. "Fuck, I forgot that it's cold as shit in Canada! We should've packed our coats!" yelled Duke. "Yo ho ho, it's okay! I've brought plenty of alcohol. Alcohol makes you feel warmer!" said Brook. Brook distributed the alcohol throughout the car as they continued their journey through Canada. Everyone, including Dukey, became shitfaced. So after a little while, Dukey crashed the Duke Mobile into a picnic table. Of course, they didn't realize they crashed, because they were so shitfaced. But boy, did the picnickers notice! They furiously yelled at our heroes, but they were too trashed to understand what was going on. Frustrated, the picnickers got weapons out of their picnic baskets and advanced towards the gang. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled a strange voice. Everyone stopped. A big kid wearing glasses who walked kinda funny approached the vehicle. "Dis vehicle... It looks familio," said the kid. He knocked on the window, and Duke rolled down the window. "EET'S YOU!!! Uncle Duke!!!" said the kid. "Luke! It's you!! What a coincidence that we both happen to be taking a trip to Canada!" said Duke. "Whoa, Duke man, who dis?" asked Soulja Boy. "Guys, this is my nephew, Luke Nukem. Luke, these are my friends Hulk and Soulja Boy and Brook and Sci-Fi and McBaldy and Upload!" said Duke. Duke then gave Luke a high five. "Owwww. Be keful Uncle Duke, I bwoke my fingonail," said Luke. "Oh, I'm sorry!" said Duke. Then the gang realized that the angry Canadian picnickers were patiently waiting for them to finish their sentimental moments. "Goddamn, y'all a bunch of beady-eyed muddafuggas" said Soulja Boy as he looked at them. "HEY, BUDDY. WE'RE TRYING TO KILL YOU, DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT?" said one of the Canadians. "We're not your buddy, pal" said Hulk. Upload seemed to be pissing endlessly while guzzling alcohol at the same time. The angry picnickers then started firing guns and shit. Upload pissed himself even more! Duke said "Argh, my hair hasn't grown back yet! I wanted to sweep these assholes in Tall Hair form," said Duke. Hulk smiled. "Not a problem, brother. I've developed a new technique over Januray 2011," said Hulk. Hulk pulled off his mustache, and pulled it, and it grew very long. Then he used it to sweep the Canadian assholes off their feet. Hulk then put his mustache back on. "Take that, motherfuckers." said Hulk. Defeated, the Canadians were knocked out. Since they didn't move for quite some time, they froze in the extreme weather and died. Luke decided to join the gang on their journey. They were sobered up by the time they decided to get moving on the road again. So, as they drove on, they noticed that no matter how far they went, there were only picnic tables in Canada. "Wow, this is strange. I could've sworn there was more to Canada than picnic tables," said Sci-Fi. "Yeah, is this some kind of joke?" said Duke. Hulk started to say something, but then Luke said "I haf to go to the bafroom." So Duke said "Dukey, pull over. Luke has to go to the bathroom." Dukey complied. Then, Luke stepped out to take a leak while the gang waited in the car. But then, Luke was kidnapped!!!!!!!!!!!! The gang started to grow impatient. "Yo ho ho, your nephew's taking a while," said Brook. "I better go check on him..." said Duke. So he went out and saw that Luke was kidnapped! "OH NO, LUKE IS GONE!!" said Duke. So the gang asked Upload what happened because he went out to take a piss with Luke. "Me no know what happen. Someone come up say bring him to fun time" said Upload. Puzzled, the gang panicked. "Noooo! Luuuuke!! Where could be be at?!" yelled Duke. "All that's here are picnic tables! Do you guys think he's hiding under one for shits and giggles?" asked Hulk. Soulja Boy then said "Look y'all, up there!" and pointed up. An Austrian bodybuilder with a jetpack was flying off with Luke. "Uncle Duuuuuke! Help meeeeeeeeee!!!!!" yelled Luke, with his pants down. "We're coming, Luke!!!!" yelled Duke. Everyone hopped in the Duke Mobile. Dukey pushed a few buttons, and some wings folded out from underneath, and the Duke Mobile took to the skies. They followed the mysterious figure, but they couldn't really fire any projectiles, since doing so could've hurt Luke as well. So they kept following, and then, Brook got an idea. "Yo ho, quick! Fly directly in front of them! Now!" he said. "Why?" asked Duke. "Just have Dukey do it now!!" yelled Brook. So Dukey pushed the accelerator down harder and were directly in front of them. The Austrian bodybuilder tried to swerve back and forth so the gang would lose their concentration. Brook opened the back door, and placed Upload there. "Pee, Upload! PEEEEEEE!!!" said Brook. "Goku" said Upload, and pissed. The piss flew gracefully through the air and onto the bodybuilder's face, injuring his eyes. "Aarrgh! Aarrgggh!!!" yelled the bodybuilder. Then, Luke leaped over to the Duke Mobile while the Austrian bodybuilder was distracted. The gang pulled him back in, and Luke gave Duke a big hug. "Tank you Uncle Duke," said Luke. "Hey, you're my nephew. I gotta look out for you," said Duke, giving him another high five. "OWWW! UNCLE DUKE, MY FINGONAIL!!!" said Luke. "Heh, sorry about that," said Duke. "Now, you guys stay here and watch after Luke. Hulk and I will go confront that asshole," said Duke. So Duke and Hulk stepped out onto the Duke Mobile's wing. "HEY, WHO ARE YOU, MOTHERFUCKER?!" yelled Duke. The Austrian bodybuilder was done wiping the piss from his face. "I'm Detective John Kimble!!" he said. So, a giant helicopter then appeared in the distance. It was John's ride. He flew back and got back to da choppa, which was armed with many guns and rockets and dildos. Then, he said "I HOPE YOU HAVE ENOUGH ROOM FOR MY FIST BECAUSE I'M GOING TO RAM IT INTO YOUR STOMACH!!" and fired a fucking frenzy of projectiles and shit. It was headed right for the Duke Mobile. The gang was watching and was scared shitless. Upload pissed himself AGAIN. But luckily, Duke's hair had finally grown back, and he went into his Tall Hair form, and batted away the projectiles in the direction of the helicopter. It blew the fuck up, and John Kimble fell to the ground. But he was unharmed from the explosion and the fall. Duke and Hulk realized they would need all the help they could get. So the Duke Mobile landed, and every member of the Duke & Hulk Gang stepped out, excluding Luke, because he was working on a charcoal drawing of a still life, even though the assignment wasn't to do a still life drawing. So then, Soulja Boy said "yo yo yo, Kimble the White Lion or whateva yo name is, why da fuck you doin dis shit? It'd make no sense to fight'chu without knowing why da fuck we fightin' you!" "Yeah!" yelled McBaldy. Upload began to rub his urinating penis. So then, John Kimble ripped off his flesh disguise to reveal that he was an Android. "I am the president of Canada. It was my idea to turn the buildings into picnic tables. And you all crashed into one of them. You are traitors, and you must be destroyed. My CPU is a neural net processor, a learning computer. Therefore, that tall hair of yours won't fool me again," he said. "BLARGH, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!" said Duke. He ran up and punched John Kimble as hard as he could, but John Kimble just laughed. Then, he said "Even if you do manage to defeat me, my atomic reactor will overheat, and when it doees... it won't be an ordinary explosion. It will be like the mountain. Giving birth...to the planets!!" And then, Duke said "So, the only way to... to feat you without to... to feating ourselves, would be like... to send you into a black hole. But do we know anyone who could just spawn a black hole?" And then, a great man dropped from the sky. It was Dot the BB. "DOT!!!!" everyone cheered. "Greetings all, it is I, Dot the BB. I am capable of spawning black holes from my black hole. But you will need to wear him down first. Understand?" Everyone nodded and got into a fighting stance. Then, about five minutes of cast being idle passed. Duke started to yell "YAAAARRRGH!!!" and charged, with his gang following. They all began to attack Kimble from every direction, but it didn't seem to affect him at all! "Hahaha. Millimeters" said Kimble. "Do you really think you meatbags can really defeat me?" asked Kimble. "Uh, don't forget bonebag! Yo ho!" yelled Brook. "Uh, sure." said Kimble. "But as I was saying, I'm a Great Android. I was created by the Red Ribbon Army. I won't go down so easily, you motherfuckers. Dr. Gero is creating an artificial life form and it needs to absorb Luke so it can become perfect and then destroy the world" said Kimble. The gang then gasped, and Upload pissed himself even more. Luke did not hear this news, as he was still working on his drawing, which he claimed was due tomorrow, but is actually due a week from now. Duke said "You motherfucker, I'm not going to let do that. We're going to fuck you up, because Luke is my nephew, and this world is our world." He then punched John Kimble right in the nuts and boltsack, and then Dot the BB pumped his fist. "That is it, Duke. Keep going. Wear him down even more, and then I will spawn a black hole from my black hole," said Dot. So, the whole gang proceeded to attack him. Kimble, being as confident as he is, let them do so because he is an overconfident son of a bitch. "Hahaha! You cannot hurt me. Not even ONE of you can live up to Red Ribbon standards! Hahaha!" he said. "Once Dr. Gero's creation absorbs Luke, it will be the end of you bastards, and most importantly, the world will be ours!" yelled Kimble. So then Upload, the genius mechanic of the group, looked on Kimble's back, and saw there was an on-off switch that said "DEFENSE MODE." Upload thought for a moment, and somehow realized that if he pushed the switch to off, then Kimble would be defenseless! So he turned the switch to off. And Kimble shook. "Guh!! What the hell did you do?!" he said, punching Upload. Then Sci-Fi was like "DON'T FUCK WITH MY BROTHERS!!" and punched Kimble right in the face. And now, with his defense being off, Kimble reeled back in pain. So, the whole group was happy that they could now inflict damage onto this motherfucker. "Stand back," said Hulk. Everyone obliged. "I've got a new attack I came up with that I've been waiting anxiously to use, and now I can use it on this sack of boltshit. Hulk Hulk... Back Suplex!!!" said Hulk as he picked up Kimble, and fell backwards, slamming him onto his back, causing him to cough up bolts, oil and some other shit like that. So, after that, Hulk tossed Kimble over to Duke, who was still in Tall Hair form, and batted him around with ease. "That is it. Keep going," said Dot the BB. "He needs to be weakened severely before I can spawn a black hole from my black hole." Then, something terrible happened. There was a strong gust of wind that blew Upload's Sonic hat off, and it flew right into Kimble's defense mode switch, and turned it back on! "Dammit Upload, I knew that stupid hat of yours was gonna get us in trouble one of these days!" said Sci-Fi. Kimble was pissed. So he stood up, and brushed the dirt off his shoulders. "Hey bitch, you ain't no pimp!" yelled Soulja Boy. "Oh yeah? I may not be a pimp, but let me show you how good I am at slamming a nigger's face in" said Kimble, as he slowly walked towards Soulja Boy with an evil look on his face. "SOOOOULJAAAAA BOOOOOY!!! GET OUT OF THERE!!! SOOOUUUULJA BOOOOOOOY!!!!" yelled Duke at the top of his lungs. Soulja Boy was frozen, and backed into a corner with no way out. Kimble continued to advance towards our seemingly unfortunate African American hero. Kimble then spontaneously combusted! And boy, was the explosion powerful. So powerful, in fact, that the nearest picnic table melted into liquid from the heat. Upload's penis also melted into liquid, so it was indistinguishable from his urine. Suddenly, Dukey started barking! Our heroes looked towards him, and saw that he was barking at Luke, whose eyes were glowing red now. He opened his mouth and the gang expected to hear the typical speech impediment, but instead they heard a thick Austrian accent. "Mua ha ha. I have taken over Luke's body now. You're not going to fight your own nephew, are you, Nukem? Mua ha ha ha. Looks like I win," said Kimble. Even Dot the BB looked worried. And then, Dr. Gero arrived on the scene. "Well done, Kimble. We might have hit a few unexpected bumps along the way, but everything has gone according to plan. Now, we'll deal with these pests later after my creation is complete. Muahahahaha!!" said the doctor, shortly before he and the possessed Luke vanished in the blink of an eye. Nothing but a cloud of dust remains where they were standing moments ago. Duke fell onto his knees, helpless, with his eyes looking like they were about to tear up. "Lu... Luke..." he said. Hulk came up and put his hand on Duke's shoulder, and looked down at him. Duke looked up, and then turned his head away so Hulk couldn't see his face. "Hey nah... Bros, everything will be a'ight, right? I mean, it's not like Luke is dead. We just gotta track him down. We've had plenty of adventures like this be'fo! We live for dis kinda shit. Come on, Duke" said Soulja Boy. Duke slowly got up. "Soulja Boy's right," he said. "Somebody's gonna freakin' pay for screwin' up my vacation" said Duke as he cracked his knuckles. So then Dukey was smelling Luke's charcoal drawing. Then he smelled in every direction, and stopped in the direction of a tall mountain in the distance, and started barking wildly. "Guys, I think Dukey's trying to tell us that Luke's that way!" said Sci-Fi. "LET'S GO!!" said Duke. "I'm right behind ya, brother!" said Hulk. Dot the BB said "My job here is done," and disappeared. The gang all hopped into the Duke Mobile, and Dukey turned flight mode on, and he flew in the direction of the mountain as fast as dogly possible. Then, the temperature started to drop even more as they got deeper into the heart of Canada. It soon became -10 F before they knew it. "F-fuuuck! Brook, d-do you have anymore of th-that alcohol?" asked Hulk. "Y-yo ho ho n-no..." said Brook, with his teeth chittering and chattering like crazy. "Me can install heater" said Upload. "Th-that would be gr-great!!" said Duke. So they made a small pit-stop, and Upload built and installed a heater into the Duke Mobile. They then got into the now very warm Duke Mobile, and they were more pumped for battle now than ever. Since they live in Duke City, which is down in Florida, they're more used to fighting in the warm. They continued to approach the mountain. Little did they know, the mountain wasn't a real mountain. It was Dr. Gero's lair, and the lair itself was also able to do battle. When the Duke Mobile got close, hatches on the lair opened up and fired missiles at the gang. "Whoa shit! Dukey, dodge that shit!" yelled Duke. "Arf!" barked Dukey. Upload pissed out of his... well, what remained of his penis. "Damn, Upload! You makin' dis bitch smell like piss! Da fuck's wrong wit'chu?" yelled Soulja Boy. "It's possible he could have a bladder infection..." said Hulk. "Guys, shut up! Our lives are on the line here, and we're trying to dodge missiles!!" yelled Duke. So they continued to get closer to the mountain while dodging the missles. They finally landed on the mountain, and then robot guards attacked! They were armed with guns and lightsabers, and advanced right towards the gang. There were TONS of them, were all ready to fight. So then, Upload made a funny face. Sci-Fi and McBaldy realized that he was going to piss again. "Upload, pull your pants down!!!" commanded Sci-Fi. Upload did so. He urinated all over the robots, which, since they were just basic drones, they ran on electricity instead of whatever the more advanced robots ran on. So they all fizzled and blew up right there. "Good job, Upload," said McBaldy, rubbing his bald head. "No time to waste! Let's move!" yelled Duke. They ran around frantically, looking for a way to get inside. Then, a hidden door that blended in with the mountain started to open. "Well well well, I've been expecting you, but not quite this soon," said Dr. Gero from inside. "I'm glad you could make it, because now you can witness first hand the absorbtion of your nephew, Luke!" MUAHAHAHAHA!!!" laughed the evil doctor. He pulled a string, which pulled away a curtain which showed the unconscious Luke hanging by a rope above a giant pool of magma. "L-LUKE!!" yelled Duke, as he tried to rush to his safety. "Ah, ah, ah! I would advise you not to take one more step towards him or else he dies!" said Dr. Gero. Duke stopped, and sweat was dripping down his face. Then, suddenly, Luke's glasses fell off of his face. They flipped in the air at just the right angle, and the light bounced off of them in just the right way, that it caused an intense glare, and blinded Dr. Gero. "AAAAHHH! MY EYES!" he screamed, his hands covering his face. Duke immediately leaped forward and bashed his fucking face in. Then, he rushed towards Luke. "LUUUKE!! I'M COMING!! Well, I'm not ejaculating. I just thought I'd mention that because if I didn't Upload would probably get some ideas. HOLD ON!!" said Duke as he ran. Dr. Gero opened his eyes. "You... you will not save him!!" Duke leaped into the air to save Luke. Everyone else watched closely, and nervously, with sweat dripping down their faces and their eyes wide open like a fish that was getting penetrated in the asshole by a frog. Right before Duke was about four feet away from Luke while in mid-air was when Dr. Gero pressed a button. A forcefield surrounded Luke, which Duke bounced off of and back onto the ground. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Luke was quickly transported into the other room. Duke turned towards Dr. Gero. "YOU...!!!" he growled at the doctor. Dr. Gero said "As I said before... nothing will stand in my way. You will all die here. KIMBLE!!!!!!!" Kimble appeared. He had a new Android Body, which was three times the size it was before. His voice was also more deep and demonic sounding. "Master, would you like me to eliminate these pests?" Kimble asked. "Yes, do it quickly!" said Dr. Gero, who then left to the other room, with the door locking behind him. Then, Duke said "I don't have time for this bullshit! You motherfuckers really know how to piss me the fuck off! I'm gonna save Luke if it's the last thing I do!! And when I do, I'm going to go back to good old America, and have lots and lots of sex with hot women!! But before that, I'll take Luke to a doctor so he can get a cast for his fingernail!!!" Kimble looked at him and said "...hmmm. Very noble of you. But I'm new and improved, and I won't let any of that happen." So Kimble took a swipe at Duke, who began bleeding profusely. But, he noticed something! There was something odd about this new, improved Kimble. He was even more human than his old version. So human, in fact, he possessed testicles. Duke knew just what to do. He gave Kimble a swift kick in the robo-balls, and almost instantly, Kimble toppled over! So this gave everyone else the opportunity to attack while Duke chased after Dr. Gero. How did he get out while the door was locked, you ask? You'll have to figure that out for yourselves. "Oww... my robo-balls!" painfully said Kimble. Everyone else started beating the fuck out of him. Hulk was smashing his knees, Brook was purposefully playing very bad music, Sci-Fi was breaking his fingers, McBaldy was forcefully holding his eyes open and showing him pictures of his ugly ex-girlfriend, Soulja Boy was twisting his robo-scrotum, and Upload was pissing into his mouth and wounds. He was knocked out. So then, to finish him off even more, everyone took a big shit on him. A mountain lion came out of nowhere, grabbed Kimble's body and fled. "Well, I guess that takes care o'that!" said Hulk. So then they all punched the locked door several times in an attempt to knock it down. Then, they remembered that there was still a pool of magma in the room. Sci-Fi took Upload's hat, scooped up some magma, and threw it at the door, and a big chunk of it melted so that they could escape. "Waaah me like that hat," said Upload. "Quit yer' bitchin', Upload. I'll buy ya a new one," said Soulja Boy. "Since all my albums platinum, I can afford it." The gang all left the room. Meanwhile, Duke was hot on Dr. Gero's tail. Well, the evil doctor doesn't actually have a tail, or even a penis above his buttocks. It's just an expression. Dr. Gero finally made it to the room with his artificial life form creation and Luke's unconcious body was already there waiting for him. "This is it! This is it!" he said as he jumped for joy. He pressed all the necessary buttons to bring his artificial creation to life. "Yes...! You're awake!!" said the doctor. "Who am I? What is my purpose, and what is my name?" the creature asked Dr. Gero, who replied "Your name is Celery. And with you, I will finally be able to take over the world!!! HAHAHAHAHAHORF!!!" Celery looked puzzled. "Celery? That name is ridiculous. A powerful warrior such as myself should not have such a name. And you named me? You must be eliminated." Celery raised his arm cannon. "NOOO, NOOO, I'M YOUR MASTER, YOU CAN'T KILL ME!!!" screamed Dr. Gero. "Goodbye, Master," said Celery. He shot his arm cannon, and Dr. Gero's head was blown right off. Celery then turned to Duke, and said "You must be this Duke person...I have been programmed with the knowledge of you and your friends. I also know all of your attacks. Are you here to stop me...?" He then proceeded to laugh very evily. Duke said "I don't know who you are, but damn straight I'm gonna stop you if you're going to hurt my nephew, Luke!" Celery stopped and thought for a second. "Luke...? That sounds... kind of familiar... why is this name programmed into my memory?" He asked himself. He turned around and saw Luke tied up. "Aha...!! I get it now. Heheheh." said Celery as he leaped up to Luke. "Hey, what're you doing?!! HEY!!!" screamed Duke. Celery opened his mouth real wide and devoured Luke whole. "LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKE!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK WHY DID YOU EAT MY NEPHEW YOU SON OF A BITCH YOU GODDAMN COCK SUCKING GREENASS MOTHERFUCKER DILDO VAGINA MOTHERSHIT NIGGER!!! SPIT HIM OUT!!! NOW!!!" yelled Duke. But it was too late. Celery started to transform. Then, Duke lost it. He went Tall Hair Duke. But he was so pissed, he went Tall Hair Duke 2. But he was so so pissed, he went Tall Hair Duke 3. But he was so fucking pissed, he went even BEYOND that. His hair turned wild and black, and his penis became very erect and ripped right through his pants. He was now Wild Hair Duke. He was ready to kick ass and chew bubblegum. But he took a pack of Juicy Fruit out of his pocket, and realized that there was none left. So then, Celery said "Pfft. Dr. Gero didn't program this knowledge into me. No matter. I have some tricks of my own." He then grinned confidently, and farted, and powered up immensely, and grew very large pointy ears, hair, and a very big phallic looking tail. He flexed his titties. "My titties are fucking ready for it." So then, a huge crowd of local women came and crowded around Duke, all wanting to get a slurp of his penis because they were so impressed and horny. They all tackled him and began to have sex. Since Duke is a heterosexual, he couldn't resist all the hot and sexy women. He had sex with all of them and Celery fled. By the time he was finished, he reverted back to his normal state and realized Celery was gone. "FUCK!!! I'm too much of a pimp that I lost the enemy!!" The rest of the gang arrived. "What happened, Duke? Sniff sniff, what smells like sex in here?" said Soulja Boy. Duke said "I got careless with my new form. But nevermind that, that asshole got away! We have to find him!!" So Dukey smelled around the room, picking up Celery's scentery. Then he barked wildly and pointed, and started running. "Come on, follow Dukey!" yelled Hulk. The gang followed Dukey. Meanwhile, Celery hid under a picnic table. It was the best hiding spot he could think of, since there were no buildings left in Canada. "Hee hee, I'll wait here to attack them!" So, they continued to run, until they stopped. Dukey was barking like crazy. "What? What is it, boy?" asked Brook. "Shut up dog, you no know nothing me pee" said Upload, as he pulled down his pants and sprayed piss everywhere. Dukey looked frustrated and continued his barking spree. "Guys, I think he's trying to tell us something," said Duke. "Quick, look under the picnic table!" said Hulk. "Which... one?" asked Soulja Boy. "There's like 522 Goddamn picnic tables up in dis bitch!" he said. But then, a loud fart was heard. It was Celery. His fart blew up the picnic table he was hiding under. Dr. Gero's ghost was watching, and said to himself "Shit, why the fuck did I give him a colon?" But anyway, Celery stood up and was now standing face-to-face with Duke and the gang. Duke pointed and yelled "IT'S YOU!!! I'M GONNA KILL THE FUCK OUT OF YOU FOR ABSORBING MY NEPHEW!!!" He then went through the Tall Hair forms again. He was afraid that when he reached Wild Hair form, his erect penis would cause the women to sex him up and Celery would get away again. But there was one thing he forgot... He was out in the freezing cold now! He wouldn't be able to maintain an erection in such harsh weather conditions. So his hair went wild, but his dick remained flaccid, and he was ready to kick some vegetable ass. So, an epic battle ensued between Wild Hair Duke and Celery. Duke was gaining the upper hand, but then Celery came up with a strategy! He knew Wild Hair Duke's weak point was having an erect penis, so he reached down and began to give Duke an absolutely exquisite handjob. "NOOOO.... THIS FEELS SO GOOD, BUT... NOOOOOOOO!" Duke began to attain an erection! Hulk couldn't bear to watch his partner suffer like this. He knew he had to step in a do something! So he clenched his fists tight, and screamed a Hulkamaniac scream. His mustache grew 30 feet in length, and giant fists formed at the ends of it. Celery was distracted, and Duke had came from the handjob, and aimed his semen at Celery's eyes. Sci-Fi and McBaldy made sure to hold Upload back. It was a direct hit! Celery was blinded. He said "AAAAHH MY EYES!!!" Then, Hulk used his Stachefists of Fury to pummel Celery severely. Meanwhile, Duke shuddered. "Ugh. I never thought I'd get a handjob from a fucking vegetable. I mean, when I was young, I cut a hole in a tomato and fapped into it, but I've gotta draw the line somewhere..." Hulk was still pummeling Celery. Then, Hulk ceased the pummeling. Celery was a bloody pulp, despite not having blood nor being a fruit to have pulp. "Give us Duke's nephew! RIGHT NOW MOTHERFUCKER!!!" yelled Hulk. "Auhgfuh..." said Celery. Hulk stomped on Celery's foot. This caused a funny reaction in Celery's stomach. It made lots of weird noises, and his asshole began to expand. Out came Luke... covered in light green lubricant. Upload's penis grew back and got an insta-boner. He went to go lick the green lubricant off Luke. Celery reverted back to his default form. "Argh... what happened?! I can't see!! Why do I feel so... powerless?! DID LUKE COME OUT OF MY BUNGHOLE?!!" yelled Celery. So then Duke ran over to Luke to make sure he was alright. "Luke, Luke are you alright?! Speak to me!!" he said. He was afraid Luke would freeze to death out here, unconscious. But then he remembered his wild mane of hair. He took a knife out of his pocket and cut it all off, and covered Luke up with it. Celery said "You... damn you... If you think I'm just going to let you have him, you're sorely mistaken." Then, Celery tried finding where Luke was at, but he had a hard time because the semen had hardened in his eyes. He couldn't open them. He was running into picnic tables and falling over. This amused the gang to great extents. Celery continued to get up and fall over picnic tables, until he tripped over one and his ass was in the air. Upload looked over to him. Hulk noticed this, and put two and two together. He then said "Wait... you don't think... NOO!! UPLOAD!!! DON'T DO IT!!! I DON'T WANNA SEE YOU--" but it was too late. Upload had charged over to Celery, and shoved his penis into his asshole., thus ending Upload's virgin streak. Upload began to furiously fuck the shit out of his ass. Celery was screaming in pain. The gang watched in horror, and even felt bad for Celery. Then something terrible happened. It turned out that Celery also had shark teeth installed in his asshole, and they bit off Upload's penis. Upload cried like a baby. "Waaaah me penis gone," said Upload. "Quit yer' bitchin', Upload. I'll buy you a new one," said Soulja Boy. "Since all my albums platinum, I--" "You said that already," Sci-Fi pointed out. "Oh, right," said Soulja Boy. So, anyway, blood was gushing out of where Upload's penis once was. And then, Celery noticed with horror...Upload's penis was still inside of him! Luckily, there was a girl with a dozuki, a Japanese backsaw, holding a severed head in her arms. She painfully cut it out of him, and then said "There is no one inside of you." She then walked away. Everyone was confused, but then focused their attention back on Celery. Then Upload picked up his penis, and was pushing his it against the opening where his penis once was, trying to re-attach it. "Help me no know how put this thing back on," said Upload. Everyone went over to try to help Upload. "Does anyone have a stapler?" said Duke. "No, that'll never work. Maybe if we had some duct tape..." said Sci-Fi. "No, that won't do any good. What you need is a hot glue gun," said Celery, who for some reason was over there with the gang. Hulk said "Oh yeah! A hot glue gun, of course that'd-- WAIT A MINUTE!!" Everyone looked angrily at Celery. Then, they all started to attack him. Upload shoved his penis in the opening where his penis once was. Celery was weakened, and he was beaten severely. The gang was panting from exhaustion. "So... what now?" McBaldy asked. Duke had come up with a plan, and that plan was to pull a giant jar of peanut butter out of his fanny pack of infinite room, and opened it up. "GRAB THAT FUCKER!!" he yelled. Celery tried to make a run for it, but tripped and almost fell into a lake. The rest of the gang picked him up and tossed him into the peanut butter jar, where he drowned. After he drowned, the gang pulled him out and feasted on him. Even though he was an evil fuck, he was actually quite tasty. So, then Luke finally came to, but then the gang heard a manly voice. The manly voice came from a shirtless guy with longer blonde hair, and a dogtag...a dogtag that read "M.D. 02, Geist" So then, Hulk yelled "HEY!! Who are you? Are you on our side or what? You don't look very friendly... and you smell like shit. What's up with that?" Soulja Boy stepped up to the scene. "Yeah, who's da fuck are you? Where did you even come from you nigga?" he asked. Mr. Geist looked at them, and said "I came from the planet Jerra. Right after I fucked it in the ass. Right after I defeated that cracker-armored pale skinned faggot poser Krauser, I killed everyone else on the planet, including these retarded robots. I was then bored and came to this planet, and Dr. Gero found me. He told me we could rule this planet together, and I didn't care as long as I could fight. I see you fighters killed him, and I wanted to see what Celery could do. But he disappointed me. You can go die, asshole. I am on no one's side. My name is Geist. Fight me, and die!" So then, Duke and Hulk pulled their earrings out of their pockets, and put them on, and transformed into Dulkito. Then, Dulkito transformed into Mega Dulkito. His penis was long, hard, and throbbing. Upload was chained down, and whining and crying like a puppy. Dulkito began to charge up a beam at the end of his long cock, sort of resembling a long sealion balancing a ball on its nose. "Sigh... There's always one last unfortunate soul that has to suffer the most. Well, Celery kind of suffered the most, being raped by Upload and all, but so be it" Dulkito said. The beam was launched from his cock. Mr. Geist tried his best to move out of the way, but was caught in the blast and blew up. Dulkito reverted back to his original form. After the smoke cleared, Dulkito de-fused and landed. Duke and Hulk pounded their fists together, like in the opening to the anime. Luke was finishing his charcoal drawing, and the rest of the gang went over to him. Duke gave Luke a big hug. "Luke... I'm glad you're safe," said Duke. "Tanks fo' saving me Uncle Duke. You can haf my cha'coal dwawing," he said, holding it up. The drawing was terrible. Duke cringed. "Uhh, yeah, that's beautiful, Luke! Thank you, I'll cherish it forever!" So then, the crew was on their way back to the Duke Mobile. Suddenly, it was shot by a lazer, and it blew the fuck up! Duke yelled "WHO THE FUCK BLEW UP MY RIDE?!" There was a laughter, and in the air, they saw a flying person in a mecha suit of armor. It was Geist! He said "You fuckers. Where did you think I just came from? I blew the fuck up on my planet. You think I can't survive that? I even survived a headshot. You can't beat me!" He then opened fire and flew around the gang, so then they all took cover behind a rock. "Why won't it eeeend?! Why is Canada such a shithole full of people out to get us?!!" yelled Sci-Fi. "Yeah! This Geist fucker just came out of nowhere and tried to attack us. I don't even know why!! Yo ho ho!!" said Brook. "I know where you're at!! Don't try to hide, dickfucks!" said Geist, and he zoomed around the area. "Wait, hiding like this is pointless. It's only extending the time we're staying here in this shithole" said Duke, standing up. He began to run, followed by the rest of the gang. They were weak and battered from their last battle, so they didn't think they could confront the asshole directly, and just wanted to get out of Canada. However, Geist was not going to let that happen. The area suddenly started to get colder all of a sudden. Geist suddenly cornered them against a picnic table. "It's all over, motherfuckers." He pointed his heavy gun at the gang, and was aimed precisely. "Say your goodbyes, lardasses." Suddenly, an icicle struck the back of Geist, and knocked him over! The area was freezing now, but an ally had joined their hopeless fight. It was a mysterious little girl! The gang then said "Who are you, little girl?" The little girl said "I'M DORA THE EXPLORER, AND I'M GOING TO TEACH YOU HOW TO SPEAK SPANISH." Then, a voice said "Did somebody said 'Teach'?" It was Dot the BB! He dropped from the sky. And then, the beaner little girl floated into appearance. "¿Quién son yo? I' ¡m el más fuerte, por supuesto! Sin embargo, hay muchos strongests, incluyendo dos de mis amigos adolescentes, y puntea el BB aquí. Pienso que necesitamos servir este tirón con carne de vaca inglesa." she said, pointing to Geist. Geist, knowing he was fucked because he was both outmanned by a big strong man and outmanned by a big strong little girl, took to the skies with his armor and ran for his life. However, Dot and the little girl both did a team attack, and then Dora froze Geist, and Dot formed a black hole from his black hole and sucked him into nothingness for the rest of eternity. Then, Hulk screamed "WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT THE FUCK IS A BEANER DOING IN CANADA. YOU CROSSED LIKE TWO BORDERS YOU CRAZY SPIC," so then Dot the BB said "It was just a joke. Calm down there, killer. And no, not Killer the Iguana. Otherwise I would be asking where the skin is." Hulk looked very confused. Dora (h5)'d Dot the BB, who's manly hand was uneffected by her beaner hands. The gang then said "Alright, this is getting too weird. I have no idea what the fuck is going on. Upload, build us a new Duke Mobile, will you?" Yes, they all said that at the same time. It took Upload a few days to build the new Duke Mobile. In the meantime, the Duke and Hulk gang played the Pokemon Trading Card game at one of the picnic tables. Luke didn't, though. He just paced around and made everyone nervous for no reason. So, the Duke Mobile 2.0 was finally done, and they all packed up their shit. "So now that's it ready, can we PLEASE get the fuck outTAH here?" asked Soulja Boy. "Hell yeah! I'm sick of this place. I hate it. Fuck Canada!" said Duke. Dukey got into the front seat and started the engine. Everyone else hopped into the new-and-improved vehicle. But it smelled like piss because Upload still kept pissing a whole lot. Fortunately for him, he installed a hole into the side for him to stick his dick out of so the piss will spill out of the vehicle without making a mess of any sorts. They began to drive their way back towards America, and Luke raised his hand. Duke said "Uh, Luke, you're not in school. Just say whatever you need to say." Luke started critiquing his own drawing for some reason. The gang ignored him. A few hours passed, and they were passing through Philly again. They decided to go get some more cheesesteaks for the road, because they were the most delicious cheesesteaks ever. So, they went to Chink's, and the owner gave them more free cheesesteaks! So, then Dukey pulled over to a hospital, and Duke took Luke inside to get a cast for his fingernail, while the rest of the gang sat in the Duke Mobile, eating cheesesteaks and watching episodes of Kimba the White Lion, because they were reminded of it when Soulja Boy made the reference earlier. "Yo ho ho, I think this is a rip-off of The Lion King!" said Brook. "NO YOU IGNORANT BASTARD, THIS SHOW CAME OUT IN THE 60s AND THE LION KING CAME OUT IN THE 90s!!" yelled Hulk. "Yo ho oh... So The Lion King is the rip-off, then?" asked Brook. "I don't know, but frankly, I don't give a fuck. This controversy is so dumb now. They're both good," said Hulk. "Me agree" said Upload. Hulk and Upload high fived. Meanwhile, Luke's cast was done being wrapped. "There," said Dr. Kintobor, "The cast can be removed in a week." Luke was like "Tank you Docto'." Duke paid the bill and he and Luke walked back out to the Duke Mobile 2.0. Then, Duke realized something. "Hey...That guy's name spelled backwards.... It seems familiar....Ah! His name spelled backwards... Is Richter Belmont! Ah, I see now." Duke continued with Luke, then they realized that the Duke Mobile ran over a tack in the road, blowing one of the tires. Upload got out of the Duke Mobile, got a spare tire, replaced it, and went back in the Duke Mobile. The gang continued their road trip back to Duke City, FL. On the way, they continued to watch Kimba the White Lion episodes. Then, Hulk pulled out his laptop and microphone, and the gang all gathered around and fan dubbed some episodes. They had a fun time. They were getting close to Duke City now. They pulled over to re-fuel the Duke Mobile. Duke pumped the gas, while Hulk went inside to get his favorite snack, Corn Nuts. But he couldn't find his usual Corn Nuts. Instead, he found "Corn Nuts: Corn Gone Wrong." He was confused at this new X-TREME packaging, but bought them regardless, and ate them on his way back to the Duke Mobile. The Duke Mobile was all re-fueled, and the gang was on their way once again. So, Hulk said "Hey guys, why don't we play a road trip game to pass the time?" But no one wanted to. So Hulk played "I Spy" by himself, which was really depressing to watch. Then Duke said "Hey, does everyone have their DSes on their person?!" And surprisingly, everyone did! Except Luke, who was working on another drawing. The gang all decided to play Mario Kart DS. And since they were playing local multiplayer and not Wi-Fi, they had access to every course! It was a blast! The hours just flew by. Then, Dukey, who was simultaneously driving and playing MKDS, lost his concentration and crashed the Duke Mobile 2.0! But because it's new and improved, nothing bad really happened. But Upload complained "My butt penis hurt." Everyone finally got sick of Upload, so they threw him out of the car, gave him money to catch a train back to Duke City, and they continued without him. Then a character from some game no one's ever heard of stepped in front of the Duke Mobile. "Haha! I am here to challenge you and drag on this story even further!" said the character. "Really...?" said Duke. "No, I'm just kidding! Go ahead!" said the character, waving them along. They were very close to Duke City now, and speaking of the city, Solsbury Hill came on the radio. Everyone sang along, and replaced "the city light" with "Duke City light" and had a grand old sing-a-long. Finally, they entered the limits of Duke City! So Dukey pulled in front of Luke's house. "Luke, don't tell your parents about what happened in Canada... I don't want them to worry. Just call if you're ever in trouble again," said Duke, giving his nephew a hug. "Tank you again, Uncle Duke," said Luke. Everyone had tears in their eyes, even though Luke lived in Duke City, so chances are they would see him again, there was really no need to tear up. Weird. "So where to now, y'all?" asked Soulja Boy. "Hmm... I've had just about enough of that cold-ass Canadian weather... What do you guys say we HIT THE BEACH?!" said Duke. Everyone cheered. So they all went to the beach. They had a fantastic time. They played volleyball, stared at busty women in bikinis, and ate sand. Indeed, it was fun. They wished they would've came here instead of going to cold-ass Canada. But they figured it was a blessing in disguise, for if they had not, Luke would be gone right now. Luke means a lot to Duke. He's like the son Duke never had. Duke has impregnated a lot of women, but he always takes them to get back alley abortions. So, anyway, Dukey pissed in the ocean, and turned part of it yellow. But he didn't give a damn, because he earned this vacation. Then, Upload arrived, as his train had just come in, and pissed in the ocean as well. Life was good, and our heroes had yet another fantastic adventure. But that wasn't really what they wanted. What they wanted was a vacation. But when you're the world's greatest defenders, vacations are rare. So those moments you have to bond with your friends should be cherished. Just like Duke said he'd cherish that charcoal drawing that Luke made. Until next time, this is the Adventures of Duke and Hulk's Adventures. We already said that. THE FINALLY END.